Swing, Brother, Swing Read online

  SWING, BROTHER,

  SWING

  Ngaio Marsh

  FELONY & MAYHEM PRESS • NEW YORK

  THE CHARACTERS IN THE CASE

  Lord Pastern and Bagott

  Lady Pastern and Bagott

  Félicité de Suze, Her daughter

  The Hon Edward Manx, Lord Pastern’s second cousin

  Carlisle Wayne, Lord Pastern’s niece

  Miss Henderson, Companion-Secretary to Lady Pastern

  DOMESTIC STAFF AT DUKE'S GATE

  Spence

  Miss Parker

  William

  Mary

  Myrtle

  Hortense

  Breezy Bellairs

  Happy Hart, Pianist of Breezy Bellairs’ Boys

  Sydney Skelton, Tympanist of Breezy Bellairs’ Boys

  Carlos Rivera, Piano accordionist of Breezy Bellairs’ Boys

  Caesar Bonn, Maître de café at The Metronome

  David Hahn, His secretary

  Nigel Bathgate, Of the Evening Chronicle

  Dr Allington

  Mrs Roderick Alleyn

  CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT, NEW SCOTLAND YARD

  Chief Detective-Inspector Alleyn

  Detective-Inspector Fox

  Dr Curtis

  Detective-Sergeant Bailey, Fingerprint expert

  Detective-Sergeant Thompson, Photographer

  Detective-Sergeant Gibson, Marks

  Scott and Sallis

  Sundry policemen, waiters, bandsmen, etc.

  CHAPTER ONE

  Letters

  FROM LADY PASTERN and Bagott to her niece by marriage, Miss Carlisle Wayne:

  3 DUKE’S GATE,

  EATON PLACE,

  LONDON, SW1

  MY DEAREST CARLISLE, —I am informed with that air of inconsequence which characterizes all your uncle’s utterances, of your arrival in England. Welcome Home. You may be interested to learn that I have rejoined your uncle. My motive is that of expediency. Your uncle proposes to give Clochemere to the nation and has returned to Duke’s Gate, where, as you may have heard, I have been living for the last five years. During the immediate post-war period I shared its dubious amenities with members of an esoteric Central European sect. Your uncle granted them what I believe colonials would call squatters’ rights, hoping no doubt to force me back upon the Cromwell Road or the society of my sister Desirée with whom I have quarrelled since we were first able to comprehend each other’s motives.

  Other aliens were repatriated, but the sect remained. It will be a sufficient indication of their activities if I tell you that they caused a number of boulders to be set up in the principal reception room, that their ceremonies began at midnight and were conducted in antiphonal screams, that their dogma appeared to prohibit the use of soap and water and that they were forbidden to cut their hair. Six months ago they returned to Central Europe (I have never inquired the precise habitat) and I was left mistress of this house. I had it cleaned and prepared myself for tranquillity. Judge of my dismay! I found tranquillity intolerable. I had, it seems, acclimatized myself to nightly pandemonium. I had become accustomed to frequent encounters with persons who resembled the minor and dirtier prophets. I was unable to endure silence, and the unremarkable presence of servants. In fine, I was lonely. When one is lonely, one thinks of one’s mistakes. I thought of your uncle. Is one ever entirely bored by the incomprehensible? I doubt it. When I married your uncle (you will recollect that he was an attaché at your Embassy in Paris and a frequent caller at my parents’ house), I was already a widow, I was not, therefore, jeune fille. I did not demand Elysium. Equally I did not anticipate the ridiculous. It is understood that after a certain time one should not expect the impossible of one’s husband. If he is tactful, one remains ignorant. So much the better. One is reconciled. But your uncle is not tactful. On the contrary, had there been liaisons of the sort which I trust I have indicated, I should have immediately become aware of them. Instead of second or possibly third establishments I found myself confronted in turn by Salvation Army Citadels, by retreats for Indian yogis, by apartments devoted to the study of Voodoo; by a hundred and one ephemeral and ludicrous obsessions. Your uncle has turned with appalling virtuosity from the tenets of Christadelphians, to the practice of nudism. He has perpetrated antics which, with his increasing years, have become the more intolerable. Had he been content to play the pantaloon by himself and leave me to deplore, I should have perhaps been reconciled. On the contrary, he demanded my collaboration.

  For example, in the matter of nudism. Imagine me, a de Fouteaux, suffering a proposal that I should promenade without costume, behind laurel hedges in the Weald of Kent. It was at this juncture and upon this provocation that I first left your uncle. I have returned at intervals only to be driven away again by further imbecilities. I have said nothing of his temper, of his passion for scenes, of his minor but distressing idiosyncrasies. These failings have, alas, become public property.

  Yet, my dearest Carlisle, as I have indicated, we are together again at Duke’s Gate. I decided that silence had become intolerable and that I should be forced to seek a flat. Upon this decision came a letter from your uncle. He is now interested in music and has associated himself with a band in which he performs upon the percussion instruments. He wished to use the largest of the reception rooms for practice; in short he proposed to rejoin me at Duke’s Gate. I am attached to this house. Where your uncle is, there also is noise and noise has become a necessity for me. I consented.

  Félicité, also, has rejoined me. I regret to say I am deeply perturbed on account of Félicité. If your uncle realized, in the smallest degree, his duty as a stepfather, he might exert some influence. On the contrary he ignores, or regards with complacency, an attachment so undesirable that I, her mother, cannot bring myself to write more explicitly of it. I can only beg, my dearest Carlisle, that you make time to visit us. Félicité has always respected your judgement. I hope most earnestly that you will come to us for the first weekend in next month. Your uncle, I believe, intends to write to you himself. I join my request to his. It will be delightful to see you again, my dearest Carlisle, and I long to talk to you.

  Your affectionate aunt,

  CECILE DE FOUTEAUX

  PASTERN AND BAGOTT

  From Lord Pastern and Bagott to his niece, Miss Carlisle Wayne:

  3 DUKES GATE,

  EATON PLACE,

  LONDON, SW1

  DEAR ’LISLE—I hear you’ve come back. Your aunt tells me she’s asked you to visit us. Come on the third and we’ll give you some music.

  Your aunt’s living with me again.

  Your affectionate uncle,

  GEORGE

  From ‘The Helping Hand’, GPF’s page in Harmony:

  DEAR GPF, —I am eighteen and unofficially engaged to be married. My fiancé is madly jealous and behaves in a manner that I consider more than queer and terribly alarming. I enclose details under separate cover because after all he might read this and then we should be in the soup. Also five shillings for a special Personal Chat letter. Please help me.

  TOOTS

  Poor Child in Distress, let me help you if I can. Remember I shall speak as a man and that is perhaps well, for the masculine mind is able to understand this strange self-torture that is clouding your fiancé’s love for you and making you so unhappy. Believe me, there is only one way. You must be patient. You must prove your love by your candour. Do not tire of reassuring him that his suspicions are groundless. Remain tranquil. Go on loving him. Try a little gentle laughter but if it is unsuccessful do not continue. Never let him think you impatient. A thought. There are some natures so delicate and sensitive that they must be handled like flowers. They need sun. They must be tended. O
therwise their spiritual growth is checked. Your Personal Chat letter will reach you tomorrow.

  Footnote to GPF’s Page. – GPF will write you a very special Personal Chat if you send postal order to ‘Personal Chat, Harmony, 5 Materfamilias Lane, EC2’

  From Miss Carlisle Wayne to Miss Félicité de Suze.

  FRIAR’S PARDON,

  BENHAM,

  BUCKS.

  DEAR FÉE, —I’ve had rather a queer letter from Aunt Cile who wants me to come up on the third. What have you been up to?

  LOVE,

  LISLE

  From The Hon. Edward Manx to Miss Carlisle Wayne:

  HARROW FLATS,

  SLOANE SQUARE,

  LONDON, SW1

  DEAREST LISLE, —Cousin Cecile says you are invited to Duke’s Gate for the weekend on Saturday the third. I shall come down to Benham in order to drive you back. Did you know she wants to marry me to Félicité? I’m not at all keen and neither, luckily, is Fée. She’s fallen in a big way for an extremely dubious number who plays a piano accordion in Cousin George’s band. I imagine there’s a full-dress row in the offing à cause, as Cousin Cecile would say, de the band and particularly de the dubious number whose name is Carlos something. They aren’t ’alf cups-of-tea are they? Why do you go away to foreign parts? I shall arrive at about 5 p.m. on the Saturday.

  Love,

  NED

  From the Monogram gossip column:

  Rumour hath it that Lord Pastern and Bagott, who is a keen exponent of boogie-woogie, will soon be heard at a certain restaurant ‘not a hundred miles from Piccadilly’. Lord Pastern and Bagott who, of course, married Madame de Suze (née de Fouteaux), plays the tympani with enormous zest. His band includes such well-known exponents as Carlos Rivera and is conducted by none other than the inimitable Breezy Bellairs, both of the Metronome. By the way, I saw lovely Miss Félicité (Fée) de Suze, Lady Pastern and Bagott’s daughter by her first marriage, lunching the other day at the Tarmarc à deux with the Hon Edward Manx who is, of course, her second cousin on the distaff side.

  From Mr Carlos Rivera to Miss Félicité de Suze:

  102 BEDFORD MANSIONS,

  AUSTERLY SQUARE,

  LONDON, SW1

  LISTEN GLAMOROUS, —You cannot do this thing to me. I am not an English Honourable This or Lord That to sit complacent while my woman makes a fool of me. No. With me it is all or nothing. I am a scion of an ancient house. I do not permit trespassers and I am tired. I am very tired indeed, of waiting. I wait no longer. You announce immediately our engagement or—finish! It is understood? Adios.

  CARLOS DA RIVERA

  Telegram from Miss Félicité de Suze to Miss Carlisle Wayne:

  Darling for pity’s sake come everything too tricky and peculiar honestly do come genuine cri de coeur tons of love darling Fée.

  Telegram from Miss Carlisle Wayne to Lady Pastern and Bagott:

  Thank you so much love to come arriving about six Saturday 3rd Carlisle.

  CHAPTER TWO

  The Persons Assemble

  AT PRECISELY 11 O’CLOCK in the morning GPF walked in at a side door of the Harmony offices in 5 Materfamilias Lane, EC2. He went at once to his own room. PRIVATE GPF was written in white letters on the door. He unwound the scarf with which he was careful to protect his nose and mouth from the fog, and hung it, together with his felt hat and overcoat, on a peg behind his desk. He then assumed a green eyeshade and shot a bolt in his door. By so doing he caused a notice, ENGAGED, to appear on the outside.

  His gas fire was burning brightly and the tin saucer of water set before it to humidify the air sent up a little drift of steam. The window was blanketed outside by fog. It was as if a yellow curtain had been hung on the wrong side of the glass. The footsteps of passers-by sounded close and dead and one could hear the muffled coughs and shut-in voices of people in a narrow street on a foggy morning. GPF rubbed his hands together, hummed a lively air, seated himself at his desk and switched on his green-shaded lamp. ‘Cosy,’ he thought. The light glinted on his dark glasses, which he took off and replaced with reading spectacles.

  ‘One, two. Button your boot,’ sang GPF in a shrill falsetto and pulled a wire basket of unopened letters towards him. ‘Three four, knock on the gate,’ he sang facetiously and slit open the top letter. A postal order for five shillings fell out on the desk.

  ‘Dear GPF (he read), —I feel I simply must write and thank you for your lush Private Chat letter—which I may as well confess has rocked me to my foundations. You couldn’t be more right to call yourself Guide, Philosopher and Friend, honestly you couldn’t. I’ve thought so much about what you’ve told me and I can’t help wondering what you’re like. To look at and listen to, I mean. I think your voice must be rather deep (‘Oh, Crumbs!’ GPF murmured), and I’m sure you are tall. I wish—’

  He skipped restlessly through the next two pages and arrived at the peroration:

  ‘I’ve tried madly to follow your advice but my young man really is! I can’t help thinking that it would be immensely energizing to talk to you. I mean really talk. But I suppose that’s hopelessly out of bounds, so I’m having another five bob’s worth of Private Chat.’

  GPF followed the large flamboyant script and dropped the pages, one by one, into a second wire basket. Here at last, was the end.

  ‘I suppose he would be madly jealous if he knew I had written to you like this but I just felt I had to.

  ‘Yours gratefully,

  “TOOTS”

  GPF reached for his pad of copy paper, gazed for a moment in a benign, absent manner at the fog-blinded window and then fell to. He wrote with great fluency, sighing and muttering under his breath.

  ‘Of course I am happy,’ he began, ‘to think that I have helped.’ The phrases ran out from his pencil ‘—you must think of GPF as a friendly ghost—write again if you will—more than usually interested—best of luck and my blessing—’ When it was finished he pinned the postal note to the top sheet and dropped the whole in a further basket which bore the legend ‘Personal Chat’.

  The next letter was written in a firm hand on good note-paper. GPF contemplated it with his head on one side, whistling between his teeth.

  ‘The writer (it said) is fifty years old and has recently consented to rejoin her husband who is fifty-one. He is eccentric to the verge of lunacy but, it is understood, not actually certifiable. A domestic crisis has arisen in which he refuses to take the one course compatible with his responsibilities as a stepfather. In a word, my daughter contemplates a marriage that from every point of view, but that of unbridled infatuation, is disastrous. If further details are required I am prepared to supply them, but the enclosed cuttings from newspapers covering a period of sixteen years will, I believe, speak for themselves. I do not wish this communication to be published, but enclose a five shilling postal order which I understand will cover a letter of personal advice.

  ‘I am, etc.,

  ‘CECILE DE FOUTEAUX

  PASTERN AND BAGOTT’

  GPF dropped the letter deliberately and turned over the sheaf of paper clippings. ‘PEER SUED FOR KIDNAPPING STEPDAUGHTER,’ he read. ‘PEER PRACTISES NUDISM.’ ‘SCENE IN MAYFAIR COURTROOM.’ ‘LORD PASTERN AGAIN.’ ‘LADY PASTERN AND BAGOTT SEEKS DIVORCE.’ ‘PEER PREACHES FREE LOVE.’ ‘REBUKE FROM JUDGE.’ ‘LORD PASTERN NOW GOES YOGI.’ ‘“BOOGIE-WOOGIE PEER.”’ ‘INFINITE VARIETY.’

  GPF glanced through the letterpress beneath these headlines, made a small impatient sound and began to write very rapidly indeed. He was still at this employment when, glancing up at the blinded window, he saw, as if on a half-developed negative, a shoulder emerge through the fog. A face peered, a hand was pressed against the glass and then closed to tap twice. GPF unlocked his door and returned to his desk. A moment later the visitor came coughing down the passage. ‘Entrez!’ called GPF modishly and his visitor walked into the room.

  ‘Sorry to harry you,’ he said. ‘I thought you’d be in this morning. It’s the monthly subscripti
on to that relief fund. Your signature to the cheque.’

  GPF swivelled round in his chair and held out Lady Pastern’s letter. His visitor took it, whistled, read it through and burst out laughing. ‘Well!’ he said. ‘Well, honestly.’

  ‘Press cuttings,’ said GPF and handed them to him.

  ‘She must be in a fizz! That it should come to this!’

  ‘Damned if I know why you say that.’

  ‘I’m sorry. Of course there’s no reason, but…How have you replied?’

  ‘A stinger.’

  ‘May I see it?’

  ‘By all means. There it is. Give me the cheque.’

  The visitor leant over the desk, at the same time reading the copy-sheets and groping in his breast pocket for his wallet. He found a cheque and, still reading, laid it on the desk. Once he looked up quickly as if to speak but GPF was bent over the cheque so he finished the letter.

  ‘Strong,’ he said.

  ‘Here’s the cheque,’ said GPF.

  ‘Thank you.’ He glanced at it. The signature was written in a small, fat and incredibly neat calligraphy: ‘G. P. Friend.’

  ‘Don’t you ever sicken of all this?’ the visitor asked abruptly with a gesture towards the wire basket.

  ‘Plenty of interest. Plenty of variety.’

  ‘You might land yourself in a hell of a complication one of these days. This letter, for instance—’

  ‘Oh, fiddle,’ said GPF, crisply.

  ‘Listen,’ said Mr Breezy Bellairs, surveying his band. ‘Listen, boys, I know he’s dire but he’s improving. And listen, it doesn’t matter if he’s dire. What matters is this, like I’ve told you: he’s George Settinjer, Marquis of Pastern and Bagott, and he’s Noise Number One for publicity. From the angle of news-value, not to mention snob-value, he’s got all the rest of the big shots fighting to buy him a drink.’